


What are these thoughts so vague and deep beyond?

by cicsummers



Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: (i think), Discussion of Past Abuse, Gen, all the hamid emotions, enjoy, i have been told this is also incredibly soft so, i say as someone who does not recall the last time he said 'i love you', i wrote this as platonic, oh this is big sad, prague spoilers, there need to be more platonic 'i love you's
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-22
Updated: 2020-02-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:20:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22839193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cicsummers/pseuds/cicsummers
Summary: Hamid doesn't really think about how he was treated in university. It happened, and then he made a mistake, and then he decided to do better. He's not ignoring what happened; there's nothing to ignore. It's almost funny, how Liliana and Gideon ended up. Almost.
Relationships: Hamid Saleh Haroun al-Tahan & Azu
Comments: 12
Kudos: 46





	What are these thoughts so vague and deep beyond?

**Author's Note:**

> again, inspired by the simply lovely rq discord, energy and motivation to write from the amazing red string of rogers. each and every time i write for rq, i'm thinking of y'all.  
> yes it's another mechs title don't @ me. other title i was considering: like cracked and fractured bone.

“Yeah, it’s—well, it’s not really funny, but it kind of is, that Liliana ended up engaged to Gideon.” Hamid is rambling, a bit. He’s so glad to have this downtime with Azu that he doesn’t want it to ever end, and so he’ll keep talking, keep prolonging this moment. “He used to be my best friend, did you know that?”

Azu shakes her head where she is sat beside him, leaning against the wall. Hamid would be leaning against the wall, but she is so close to him that it would simply be a shame not to lean against her instead. He’s feeling soft, and warm, and isn’t really watching what he’s saying.

“All the way back in uni, when Liliana was still my girlfriend. He wasn’t the best friend, I’ll admit, and we were troublemakers together well before we, well… before we messed up. I, I can never truly make up for what I did, then, but… anyway, after that, I had no contact with either of them! Gideon vanished, and Liliana never said a word to me before I saw her again back in Prague. And that’s when I found out she was engaged to Gideon! No word for  _ months _ , and then I find out she’s engaged to the person who  _ doubled _ the formula I had written, even if I had written it incorrectly. _Months_ , and she's already moved on to the point of engaging _Gideon!_ And then she slaps me in the same conversation! It’s a bit funny in retrospect, but—”

“Hamid,” Azu interrupts, somehow sounding even more serious than she had been, lately. He turns to look up at her questioningly, but turns away when he sees how concerned she is. He replays his words in his head, tries to figure out where he went wrong, maybe she was thinking back to their conversation—no, call it what it was, their  _ argument _ —in Cairo, maybe she was connecting the dots and realizing he was a terrible person, realizing he had killed  _ students _ , nevermind that it was on accident, maybe she was—

“Hamid, that is not funny at all.” Azu’s voice cuts through his thoughts, sharp as her axe. “Liliana should not have done that.”

Hamid can feel his face freeze. That’s—but—how can she say that? “You weren’t there,” he says, unsure why he’s defending Liliana but unable to stop. “Sure, maybe she was being a little harsh, but she had a reason—”

Azu abruptly shifts her position, steadying Hamid with her hand as she turns her entire body to face him.

“Hamid, you will never deserve to be hurt. She had no right to slap you, regardless of any reasons she might have felt she had.” Azu’s voice is as unrelenting as her stare, and Hamid can feel his eyes starting to well up. He’s never been ashamed of the ease with which he cries, even when Gideon and all his friends made fun of him, but in this moment he is frustrated and confused. He doesn’t understand, is the thing. How can Azu say that? She can't know what he's done, what he'll do, what might happen on accident, and besides—  


“That never stopped Gideon in the past,” he mutters, surprised at his own vitriol, and he must’ve said that louder than he thought because Azu looks a bit poleaxed, a bit angry, and a bit… sad? And none of it is at him, but instead… instead it’s… instead it’s  _ for _ him. When was the last time someone other than his family (other than his sister ~~ s ~~ ) felt something on his behalf, outraged or compassionate or anything else at all?

“Then Gideon was  _ wrong _ ,” she says, like it’s nothing, like it’s just to be expected , like Hamid deserved better , like Hamid was not being childish or weak in those moments where he hated Gideon for how he treated him. This is where he breaks, where the tears overflow, rolling down his cheeks like the Nile when it floods, dragging his emotions to the surface in turmoil. He starts sobbing, then, and Azu all but flings herself at him, enveloping him in her strong embrace. He feels protected in her arms, safe to feel all of the resentment he never knew he had, safe to finally feel the pent-up rage at how  _ unfair _ Gideon had been, how unfair  _ Liliana _ had been, how unfair the  _ entire world _ had been when it did nothing in the face of everything he faced without deserving it. And maybe the world isn’t fair, but…

“To feel nothing in the face of injustice is the worst thing of all,” Azu says, cheek pressed against the top of Hamid’s head. “Indifference is worse than hatred. You were never treated well, and you  _ never deserved it _ .”

Hamid just cries, great heaving sobs that catch in his lungs and tie up his stomach. He has never felt so loved, even in the midst of this realization that what happened  _ was not okay _ , that his relationship with Liliana and Gideon _ was not okay _ , and he can’t help but hug Azu all the harder for being there for him, for feeling things on his behalf, for sticking with him all this time.

He can't help but say, between the choking and the sobbing and the burrowing closer to Azu, “I love you so much.”

Azu simply grips him closer, holds him tighter, and replies, “I love you, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> extra mini-game: which line hurt me the most? (yes, this is a theme i will keep across all of my sad, angsty litttle fics) which line hurt you the most? which line hurt azu the most? which line hurt hamid the most?  
> anyway love all y'all who read this, good luck with the emotions i left you with lmao.


End file.
